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We finally caught our breath. Now let’s discuss.

Out on Lafayette’s tiki porch — because who else would have a tiki porch — Jesus pours out apologies to his boyfriend, not knowing that Marnie hides behind those baby browns. Eggs over easy turns into a fork in the hand, and Jesus realizes his novio ain’t his novio.

Across town, Sookie feels Gran’s presence (we miss her too, girl). She and Tara have a rare moment of camaraderie, and the half-fairy fantasizes about sitting on the porch with her grandbabies. Word of advice: Start cavorting with a man who can actually reproduce. Alcide’s on board with our suggestion and offers Sookie (whose low bun is a mature upgrade for her) his love in a passionless argument. We would still have said yes. Just look at him. But alas, his phone rings. (And we’ll pat ourselves on the back: We knew exactly what the call was about.)

Sam mourns Tommy in the cemetery, but the only one beating her breast is Mrs. Fortenberry, whose hopping from surrogate son to surrogate son trying to replace her derelict Hoyt with a promise of pork rind casserole. Luna seems to have moved past Sam being involved in the killing of Emma’s dad, consoling her shifter and smooching her depressed man aplenty. Pam’s not feeling so hot either, having lost her maker to Sookie and “her precious fairy vagina and her stupid name.” Thank goodness pleather-clad Ginger is there to hug it all away.

The other Stackhouse sibling still suffers from a case of the losers and comes clean with Hoyt. After small talk about the “moist” day, he confesses his sins. Confronted with the ultimate break of the bro code, all the puppy-eyed best bud can mutter is “How?” which leads Jason to spew a list of positions. Bless his simple heart. Hoyt isn’t quite as charmed, slugging him twice and adding a kick and an insult for good measure. Bleeding and broken, Jason drags his sorry ass home to nurse his pride. Holding a cherry ice pop to his head, he answers his door to find a red cloaked, lingerie-clad Jessica, who’s become the finest looking lady in Bon Temps. What follows is perhaps the most gratuitous sex scene of the season, which we were not only not mad about but may have rewound for round two. After her departure, naked Jason gets a knock at the door and finds Revered Newlin-turned-vamp standing on the other side of it. Well played, Alan Ball.

Back at the Reynolds house, Jesus is taped to a chair, and Marnie via Lafayette (who mastered her s’s and f’s) expresses her intention to drain him dry. That witch needs to get her priorities straight. Hates the vampires but takes blood? She toys with Lafayette’s bod, leading Jesus to surrender his Mexican mask face (apparently it is like a Pokemon card), which serves only to get him a knife to the gut. Tara stumbles in on the aftermath and rushes to recruit Sookie and Holley — with her witch survival kit of salt, sage, and a lock of hair — to save the day. They rush to the Compton house, where Marnie/Lafayette has secured the vamps atop a stake. How in the hell she/he overpowered them, we aren’t sure. But a combo of fairy light saber, salt, incantations, and Gran does the trick, and a whining Marnie gets sent to the spiritual world.

Over at Merlotte’s, Halloween festivities continue. Arlene’s daughter dresses up as Janelle from Teen Mom — completely unrelated to the plot but so fantastic it must be mentioned. The ubiquitous guest star, Scott Foley, shows up as Terry’s old buddy, and something is already off. The ghost of Rene confirms our suspicions, though a serial killer’s warning about Terry becoming bad news may not be the most reliable intel.

Charred Bill and Eric — both clad in Hefner-style striped robes — feed from Sookie, who should really be advised of the risk of anemia. For a hot second, it seems her threesome dream is about to become a disturbing reality, but instead tears and choosing neither ensues. Ho hum. (Though major props if this means Quinn is on his way. Readers of the books, you know what we mean.)

The fangers don’t nurse their wounded pride for long; a renegade Nan shows up with her “gay storm troopers” looking for support. Instead, her guards lose their heads and she gets wood to the heart. We’re digging the frenemy king/sheriff team, which better gear up because our suspicions were correct: Edgington is back a lot sooner than they imagined.

After a long day of magical debacles, Sookie heads home where Debbie emerges with a shotgun from the shadows. The shewolf aims and fires just as Tara lunges to save her pal, losing half her skull in the process. Again, why Sookie didn’t use her flashy hand trick in the first place is confusing, but nevertheless, she scoops up the gun and offs Debbie with pleasure. As for her friend, Tara looked deader than a doorknob to us, but if she becomes a vamp, we might come around to liking her.

Now excuse us as we dream of Alcide until next summer.

(Photo: Courtesy of HBO)

The four dominatrixes — er, vamps — continue hellbent on destroying the witch’s lair without an actual plan (besides bazookas) or casing the place. They just run on fiery rage and, as Jessica puts it, “what PMS used to feel like.” As they begin their ill-advised attack, the prodigal Jason emerges from the darkness to give a figurative bitch-slap to the fanged men in Sookie’s life. Stackhouse is cutting out quite the spot in our hearts. The men retreat, though Pam — we aren’t sure if she is completely fixed or just has the number of Joan Rivers’s plastic surgeon — can’t fathom stopping for “a gash in a sundress.”

Inside, Antonia struggles to escape mean Marnie’s body while the witch casts a spell to lock Antonia inside. Jesus realizes shit just got real, especially since Marnie just killed one of the (completely unimportant) Wiccans. The quick-thinking brujo feigns feeling a pulse and takes the body into the bathroom. He’s got Mexican family secrets up his sleeve, involving scarves, knives, potions, and his unnerving mask face.

Out on the street, Jason’s pleas persuade the vamps, and they regroup to replot. Two of Marnie’s robotic fangers pounce; both die and Pam ends up with a lovely vintage Cartier necklace. Bill puts his presidential panties back on and beckons Marnie to negotiate. Out she comes with Sookie in tow. Marnie agrees to release Sookie — who, come on, doesn’t seem to be in immediate danger — if Bill and Eric kill themselves. And they agree. (Our impulse to use caps lock for that last sentence is overwhelming.) Bill gives Sookie a look right before he is about to kill Eric, which we hoped would insight a fairy charge to end it all, but she stands there blubbering. Hero of the episode Pam disregards Eric and shoots at the emporium, sending flames right back at them and stopping the double suicide. Jason’s left blind and burned, and Jessica’s wrist nurses him back to health, putting a little oomph in their budding romance.

Back inside, Marnie consults a bloody puddle to see the present and the future. Mirror, mirror on the sanguine floor shows her with a hole in the head. Enraged, she calls together her circle, coercing them to cast some spell. Midchant, Sookie tunes into her telepathy, realizing their Latin is pulling her beloved men (plus two) into the deathly enchantment as her just-recovered bro digs his heels into the asphalt to save them. It charges her lightning power to full-force (though we still don’t know how the double suicide didn’t), breaking the spell. Marnie ain’t pleased with the fairy’s interference and places her in a ring of fire, Spanish-inquisition style, which basically just serves to freak her out. Jesus’s spell finally takes and Antonia is freed, quelling the fires and removing the spell. Bill and Eric, who have been sexily pacing in worry for their blood-bonded gal, rush in. Wasting not a second, Eric rips out Roy’s heart, sipping on a vein like it’s a juice box. He’s back, folks. Bill follows with bullets to Marnie’s head (and everywhere else). Eric glamours the humans, while Sookie contemplates that these two men are willing to be killed and actually have killed for her. Oh, if we could have her problems.

In other nonwitch/vamp war news, Alcide proves himself a free agent, siding with Sam against the Shreveport pack. Things get a tad more complicated when Luna comes barging in in search of Emma, only to receive a call from the little shifter/were from inside Alcide’s house. The three shifting musketeers head there, where Marcus has been sniffing around Debbie (who’s frolicking around in her undies) and convincing her to run away with him. Sam and Alcide are less than pleased, and Sam, who has more fighting spunk than we imagined, goes to work on Marcus. Golden-eyed Alcide shoves his trashy lover down to keep her out of it. Mr. Merlotte brings the long-haired were within inches of his life and thinks better of it. The two good guys try to leave, but Marcus snatches up a gun and aims at Sam. Naturally, our favorite hulk of a were lunges at him, saving the day but killing the Shreveport leader in the process. He continues on his rampage, swearing to Debbie he will hunt and share flesh no longer, which is one hell of a breakup speech. We have a feeling the Luna/Sam relationship might hit a rough patch after his involvement in Marcus’s death. But both seem rather unconcerned, leaving the dead guy on the floor in Alcide’s bedroom.

Over in Bon Temps, Andy takes his first steps as a recovering addict in a walk back from the woods. On his way, he meets a fae. Apparently, some of them are still stuck in the human world. (We hope it stays that way. We can’t stomach a trip back to Fairyland.) She romances the gruff-voiced sheriff, but before they get down to business, she makes him swear to her light. Moving a little fast there, Morella.

Jesus and Lafayette settle into bed after their ordeal; Jesus is reeling with guilt. As they drift off to sleep, Lafayette jolts awake to Marnie above him. We all knew where that was going. Marnie slips into him with the easiest of ease. Is that how his talent will work now? It seems like he’s the village bicycle of the spiritual world. Boyfriend needs to figure out a defense, stat.

Photo: Courtesy of HBO

As predicted, round two of the witch/vamp war proved fierce (though short-lived). Possessed Eric sets his sights on regicide, much to the dismay of love-afflicted Sookie. In the most brazen use of her fairy powers yet, she tosses the towering Nord off Bill, reversing the possession and memory spell. A look of recognition washes over Eric’s face as memories swell back. The witches disappear (that’s a new one), leaving the vamps to regroup.
 
Sookie’s secret is out to the most dangerous person who could know: Nan. (We’re okay with it, because “a dairy maid and her lightning trick” is the best description we’ve heard of her to date.) But the PR maven has larger fish to fry — or vamps to stake — and promises to destroy Bill. Thankfully, Mr. Compton has grown a pair and stands up to the feisty one, refusing to back down and swearing to wipe Marnie/Antonia out.
 
Eric and Sookie deal with another sort of problem. Eric remembers everything, including his affair with her (quite the departure from the books). Even though he promises he is “more” — to the delight of female viewers everywhere — she can’t commit, since her heart’s still burning for her ex, too . (Move to Utah, already.) The king is unaware and resolves to follow through on his destruction of Moon Goddess Emporium, even with Tara and her gaggle of witches inside. He urges Sookie not to interfere, which makes us doubt his intelligence considerably, since she is obviously going to scurry right after trouble. Through it all, Eric snidely comments in the background, making our hearts sing with gratitude that the jerk is back.
 
Elsewhere in matters of the heart, Jessica and Jason have a postcoital sadsack fest, with him nursing a heavy case of the losers for betraying his bud and her growing frustrated at general human sulking and bromances. Jason asks her to glamour their romp out of him, which has got to burn real bad.  To add to Jason’s self-loathing, heartbroken Hoyt cries his eyes out to Jason over cans of an obscure Louisiana beer.
 
In the shifter arena, Alcide (whose bod we did not see nearly enough of this week) races to save a mortally wounded Tommy. Tommy’s not having it and wants only to go to Merlotte’s. Sam’s ready to reach out to the bloodsuckers for superblood, but Alcide insists Tommy has the right to choose. Sam sits with his brother until his last breath passes, leading to the first time this show has ever made us tear up. Bon Temps, you need more rainbows and sunshine — and that definitely won’t come through the relapsed Debbie brooding over Alcide and finding comfort in skeezy, long-haired Marcus.
 
Speaking of relapses, Terry and a very irate Arlene find Andy’s stash of V. Terry, a recovered addict of just about everything, intervenes on his cuz’s behalf, taking him to their old fort, where Terry used to live like an “insane squirrel” after the war. The two shoot cans, wrestle, and bicker over childhood grievances. Our favorites? Andy’s bitterness of not getting knit socks and Terry’s ablebodied attractiveness. Let it all out, boys.
 
Back on the battlegrounds, the Antonia half of the witch feels remorseful after Sookie’s bolt. Once out of harm’s way, Marnie must convince Antonia to repossess her, making it clear the human is the real culprit. The only way it can end for her now is on a metal slab. She holes up in the Emporium, casting an electric fence of sorts around it. Jesus penetrates the force field in his demonic form (“It’s a Latin thing,” says Lafayette) and, after realizing the situation, urges Sookie to run. She doesn’t, of course, and she and Lafayette head straight in as Tara and Holly run out. All disappear, leaving Jason dumbfounded — a look we know well.
 
Meanwhile, the vamps coordinate a plan, with Bill ready to stake Nan, Eric not giving a rat’s ass, Pam ready to rip the witches to pieces, and Jessica just in the mood to kill something. Get ready, brujas. Leather-clad, Matrix-style fangers are knocking on your door.

Despite an early leaning toward Eric, there’s been a decided office-wide shift to Team Alcide and — sometimes — Bill. The werewolf, in his muscle-filled, brooding glory, scoops up a wounded Sookie and takes her home (with the help of Compton’s super speed). Yes, Bill saved her with his super blood, but how she’s immune to Alcide’s charming concern is beyond us. (And how her coat’s top button is still done up is also confusing, but that’s neither here nor there.) The immunity is reciprocal, and Alcide throws in the fairy-loving towel, but it may be too late for V-chugging, jealousy-ridden Debbie.

In the ruins of their relationship, Jessica cries a crimson river to an unconcerned Nan, and Hoyt packs her things (including Twilight) in a box labeled “For you, Monster” while wallowing in Budweiser and boxers. Self-pity gets interrupted by Lafayette/Mavis, who has kidnapped little Mikey and returned to Hoyt’s/her old house. Poor delusional gal really wants this “baybee,” but Jesus swoops in, pointing out what she’s packing in her pants. Little demon child — who was never really demonic to start with — is returned to Arlene and Terry (who is oddly forgiving to  Merlotte’s cook). The campiest of campy exorcisms follows, and Jesus has his man back.

Things settle down, and Hoyt begs Jason to take the monster box to Jessica. Jason reluctantly does so but only after scribbling out the monster bit. Yes, that deserves a resounding “aww.” She’s feeling it too, apparently, and the two get rather frisky in the back of his pickup. Which brings us back to the issue of all of these characters doing the dirty outside. Is it a Bon Temps thing that we’re missing? (At least Sookie’s awkward three-way dream took place indoors — and can somebody find us a ruffled red robe like that, please?)

As far as the shifters go, Sam takes Luna and Emma camping to get away from Marcus. We’re sure glad he did, if only for Emma’s hilarious comment that she wants to turn into a bunny so she can pet herself. Sam will be glad he did, too, as Tommy takes a brutal werewolf beating from Marcus and crew while shifted as Sam. Alcide swoops in (again) to save him. Is there anything this perfect specimen of a man can’t do?

Tara realizes she isn’t into Marni’s twisted revenge plot — again. But it’s too late. Spiteful Marni/Antonia isn’t ready to let her little traitorous witches go, locking them and a bewitched Eric in the Moon Goddess Emporium (it never gets old). Sookie tries to rescue him, but Debbie throws her under the bus, putting her at the wrong end of Tara’s gun. In her first smart move all season, Tara tells her telepathically (which, honestly, we sort of forgot about) to run.

Because of the trouble, Bill urges Nan to cancel their tolerance event, but Nan will do no such thing. It goes off — but not without a hitch. Antonia/Marni puts more vamps under her spell, forcing them to kill three humans and display a wretched amount of guts to the crowd. It should prove to be a good fight, but the only outcome we really care about is whether Eric will snap the hell out of it.

Photo courtesy of HBO

Much to our horror, Jessica tries to get a tan, but Jason comes flying out of the bright white light, blazing with love. After the rescue, the two partake in a post-traumatic game of tonsil hockey, reiterating that the Stackhouse siblings do indeed have a penchant for bloodsuckers.

Her indiscretion finally prompts Jessica to put the kibosh on her relationship with Hoyt, once in her dreams (which broke our heart for him) and once in real life (which, honestly, broke our heart for both). Sweet as Hoyt may be, babies, virginity, and sunlight were low blows. Jessica strikes out again when Jason — in a surprising moment of impulse control — turns her away. Having two invitations rescinded after accidentally killing someone and getting silver and sun burns? Rough day, girlfriend.

Alcide and Debbie fare a bit better, fitting in just fine with their new pack, which smartly decides to stay out of the vamp/witch war. Debbie’s pretty sure that Alcide won’t be able to resist, and she’s right. The alpha of the pack, Marcus, isn’t always a peacekeeping pup; his short temper is revealed at the same time we find out he’s the parolee father of Luna’s girl. In other shifter news, Tommy turns into Mrs. Fortenberry for a hilarious (if irrelevant) snippet. All this intercharacter business has us hooked.

Which brings us to Lafayette, who still can’t seem to master his “magia,” becoming accidentally possessed by the ghost who keeps appearing to baby Mikey. Turns out she had a baby with whom we assume is a Bellefleur ancestor who killed the illegitimate child, prompting her (fabulous in Lafayette’s body) to return to break into the plantation-like home and take Arlene’s child. Which makes us wonder, is the baby actually Terry’s? And since Bill’s family married into the Bellefleurs way back, will he be involved?

And now for arguably the most disappointing scene of the series to date. As readers of the books, we’ve been eagerly waiting the shower scene like a 13-year-old awaits her first R-rated movie. Instead, we get this: Sookie gives Eric her blood to save him (good idea) and Eric coerces Sookie into drinking his blood (bad idea). They then head to the shower, where snowflakes fall instead of water. Transition scene to a bed in a snowy forest. Someone really needs to pull Sookie aside and explain the danger of outdoor sex. Chiggers. Peeping werewolves. Hypothermia. It’s all happening. Eric’s sweet ass almost saved the cheesy scene, but the postcoital squirrel merkin did us in.

Meanwhile, Bill is saving face for the death of Mrs. Fortenberry’s undead neighbor, releasing a statement to the public thanks to a glamoured Connie Wilson-lookalike reporter. He sets up a meeting with Antonia in the Bon Temps cemetery at midnight. (Come on, Bill, it’s the witching hour.) Eric, who whined about running away hours before, starts the meeting by ripping out the throat of a witch a la Edgington. Mayhem ensues, with Bill saving Tara from Pam (for Sookie, duh) and Sookie taking a bullet to the gut.

All in all, this episode left us on Team Compton (a lot of cred to the leather jacket for that). And if Eric doesn’t stop this doe-eyed, mushy nonsense, we’ll stay there. Reverse the spell!

Photo credit: Courtesy of HBO

To our dismay, Pam devolves from kickass, no-nonsense sassypants to a ferocious, bitter hag (though we do love her quilted pink coffin — and Ginger’s hilarious riding of it). Though we obviously aren’t on Team Thornton, Pam’s threatening and near choking of her seem a bit extreme, especially when Tara wasn’t the source of the spell.

Down in Mexico, abuelo reveals it’s Lafayette who has “la magia,” and Jesus outs him as a medium. It seems like something Señor Reynolds would have noticed earlier, but at least it makes him see the Depression-era lady singing to demonic Mikey. (Side note: All of this goes down and Lafayette is still flipping burgers? Boyfriend’s got some serious dedication to Merlotte’s.) As for plotlines that won’t stop repeating themselves, Sam banishes Tommy forever. Which probably means an episode and a half.

The nearby wolf pack uses deer blood to baptize Alcide and Debbie — to whom, we admit, we’re starting to soften. During the after-party, Alcide sulks, worrying about Sookie in the woods. Jealousy flickers over Debbie but then she concedes to look for her. They stumble upon the fairy and Eric in the throes of passion, which causes a glitch in their own passion the next day. Looks like Alcide might be covering up a little crush. Eric and Sookie have no such issue and continue their lukewarm horizontal tango before cuddling the night away.

Antonia Gavilán de Logroño is still setting up shop inside Marni’s bod, siccing a necromanced Luis on Bill. Thankfully, King Compton sees what’s going on and subdues a suicidal Luis. But the witches aren’t done. Antonia/Marni recruits Tara, who then recruits the rest of the Wiccan clan under the guise of girl (and one girly guy) power. They join hands, Marni levitates, and somehow the fan that used to blow every time Marni recited a spell goes full speed and sweeps through Bon Temps. It draws the vamps into the light, including Mrs. Fortenberry’s curler-wearing neighbor.

In preparation for the curse, Bill orders all nearby fangers to silver themselves in order to counteract Antonia’s hold. We don’t quite understand the logic. Silver is painful but doesn’t render them completely weak. A padlocked coffin seems a little smarter. Our suspicions are confirmed when Jessica worms herself out of the chains and tricks her way out of the locked cell to bask into the sun.

Meanwhile, Sookie stays with a bleeding Eric, and a concerned Jason pops in. After getting clued in on the sitch (hours later than everyone, of course), he’s off to save Jessica. He gets in a tiff with the guard, but we’re thinking those swoon-worthy handstand push-ups he did earlier helped him win that scuffle (thought the gunshot is worrying). We sure hope so, because a Bon Temps sans Jason and Jessica is not a Bon Temps we want to know.

Photo Credit: John P. Johnson/HBO

Last night’s full-moon episode was mostly anticlimactic*. Bill gets Eric into his custody and sentences him to true death — only to release him without any sort of action. Jason gets himself in a tizzy about shifting into a werepanther and cuffs himself to the bed — only to not shift but rather have a sexually tense convo with Jessica (who, by the way, really needs to break up with Hoyt; we’re starting to pity the poor, sweet fellow).

In the anticlimax to end all anticlimaxes, danger-seeking Sookie wanders through the dark, dark woods (because, honestly, what would dark, dark woods be without Sookie?). Shotgun in hand, she runs into Debbie-whipped Alcide and then the Viking. Despite him still wearing that awful high school basketball gear, we were riled up for what came next. Until it proved to be a lukewarm romp on the forest floor. Chiggers, anyone?

Elsewhere in Renard Parrish, embers are all that remain of Arlene’s home after matches spontaneously combust. Little Mikey finds his way out of the house with that damn Chucky-like doll. And (in the land of plot elements we don’t care much about) Terry saves his rescue armadillo. The witch waitress’s house also goes up, but we’re a little confused as to why she’s still around in the first place.

Jesus and Lafayette get to the home of the abuelo, who doesn’t seem to be taking them seriously (we wouldn’t take Lafayette’s Lil Bow Wow hair seriously either). He demands a sacrifice of the duo, and they return with a snake in tow. Abuelo has the snake bite Jesus, and Lafayette becomes a vessel for Jesus’s Tio Luca. Somehow that saves Jesus. Hm.

Had it not been for HBO’s lovely little recap, we would have never remembered that shifters can shift into other humans if they kill a member of their family. (Thanks for sharing, Luna.) Tommy’s matricide earns him the power, and the spunky kid morphs into big bro Sam. Of course, Luna decides to pounce on the bar owner right then and there, and Tommy makes no objections, though he freaks out afterward and kicks her out. Quite the mess to clean up, Sammy boy (figuratively and literally, as Tommy passes out in his own vomit).

Meanwhile, Marni wastes away in King Bill’s jail, whittling away at her wrist. But a few picked scabs are all Antonia needs to possess her — besides a wind machine that always seems to be on full force during these moments. We learn Antonia was raped by Luis (once a priest and now a Louisiana sheriff). Luis heads down to her cell to try it again but has his attempts overpowered by Marni/Antonia’s necromancing skills — which involve mosh pit-worthy devil’s horns and a conclusion of “You little f*ck.” That’s some highfalutin magic right there.

*All puns implied are intended.

We were so happy about Eric/Sookie spooning and smooching (finally), we could just leave it at that.

But alas, Bon Temps is just full of trouble. Marni collapses after her second vampire cursing, prompting our favorite line of the whole episode: “You pissed off another vampire and then you took a goddamn nap.” Our thoughts exactly, Mr. Reynolds. Jesus finally gives up on her and he and Lafayette seek the help of Jesus’s goat-killing brujo of a grandpa. Tara keeps saying she is leaving but hasn’t. Stop teasing us and just hit the road already.

Tommy’s holding strong to the role of the troublesome kid who weaseled his way into our good graces. First he’s a victim of Joe Lee, then he beats the daylights out of him and accidentally kills his mama. (No huge loss on either.) Big bro Sam (whose taken quite the periphery role these days) swoops in to save the day, getting rid of the bodies via marshmallow-loving gators, but not before quick-thinking Tommy turns into one himself to stave off crazy Bellefleur.

Hoyt’s softening at Jessica’s caring for Jason leads us to believe that he may just want a mini Mrs. Fortenberry after all. The two seem destined for a breakup at any moment, and single Jess will be a hell of ride. Meanwhile, Jason’s dreams have him back in the rambunctious saddle with a hilarious Hoyt-interrupted fantasy about Jessica, induced by drinking her blood. Thankfully, no Big Mama Kitty this time.

Demon baby apparently has a name — Mikey — but that does nothing to quell his Satanic side. Rev. Daniels and the newly christened Mrs. Daniels (aka Lettie May Thornton) rid the house of demons — or at least they attempted to. When a book of matches bursts into flames in the bedroom, well, it can’t be good. (Side note: Why does everyone in Bon Temps have satin sheets? Arlene has white ones; Jason black ones.)

Eric’s having nightmares about Godric (whose toothy lisp makes him sound less than threatening), revealing by far the most terrifying, backlit Nord yet with his fangs ablazing. Sookie is far too deep of a sleeper for all the danger she courts, but thankfully the situation results in the aforementioned precious spooning.

In other Sookie-why-are-you-so-dumb moments, she goes to the Moon Goddess Emporium (the name never gets better) to find out more about the witches. She sweet talks her way into a reading by Marni only to have Gran come through in what might be the best surprise return the show has had. She tells Sookie to get the hell out while revealing that Sookie is falling in love with the vamp. Let’s be real, who wouldn’t?

After hearing Portia’s creepy proincest arguments, King Bill finally makes a move against the witches at decaying Pam’s behest, arresting Marni to discover she really knows nothing of her spells. A convening of Louisiana sheriffs reveals the story of the goddess, Antonia, a witch burned at the stake in 1610 Spain who used necromancing to pull vampires from their sleep into the true death. (Leading Bill to reveal that fangers were part of the all-powerful church in the 1600s, and they can now be found at Google and Fox News. Brilliant.)

All of this talk gets Pam riled up and she uncharacteristically gives up Eric’s hiding place. Which means Bill is about to interrupt the love sesh at the Stackhouse abode that took five episodes to get to. Buzzkill.

Fae blood turns out to be like tequila for vamps, as we meet our dear Eric drunk after draining Sookie’s fairy godmother. He pinches her butt, tries to get her to chase him, and would probably snap her bra straps next. Fired up with sunny intoxication, Eric stays out past daybreak, prompting Sookie to reach out to Alcide yet again. The hunky werewolf shows up in his six-pack glory, tracking Eric to a nearby watering hole. But even lack of memory doesn’t dissuade our Viking from showing his suspiciously longer-looking fangs while Alcide growls (to which, it must be said, we’d be happy to growl back). The testosterone fest ends quickly as Eric starts to sizzle when the blood wears off. He throws himself a pity party.

Bill is still hunting for his missing sheriff but is getting nowhere, despite cocky attempts at asserting his power. Pam all but tells him to f#!% off, and Sookie sweet talks him into not searching her/Eric’s house. Nan is breathing down his neck, and his newest lady companion turns out to be his great-great-great-granddaughter. That’s a risk you run when you live a century or two. King Compton has had better days.

Meanwhile, poor Jason is being used like the star horse at a stud farm. When the next gal up is the reluctant young one, he has a moment of tenderness, convincing her to save it and assist in his escape. But of course, panthers are pro trackers, and Felton sets off after him. He picks up the escapee’s scent (which we’re guessing is like Axe and a football jersey). Being the wily one he is, Jason fashions a harpoon of sorts and nails Felton right in the neck. Seeing the carnage, a satisfied Crystal declares herself Big Mama Kitty (which sounds more like a amateur porn star to us) and Jason Panther Man (creative). Stockholm syndrome didn’t take to Mr. Stackhouse though, and he swears off her and Hotshot. Exhausted, he starts home, collapsing on the side of the highway only to be found by Hoyt and Jessica, who saves him with her blood. All’s well for now, but we have a feeling all hell will break loose on the next full moon. Also, dirt has healing qualities, say the werepanthers. Who knew?

In the world of the witches, Marni continues to channel her inner goddess, a Spanish witch burned at the stake who really, really loathes vampires. Lafayette, Jesus, and Tara (why is she still here?) try to force her to reverse the spell. Instead, in the group’s final attempt to do so, the vindictive goddess works through Marni to distort the face of abnormally hot Pam. We suggest the witches run far, far away.

And in the most delightfully creepy moment of the entire show, Arlene’s evil baby gets hold of a red marker and scrawls BABY NOT YOURS across the wall — all while sitting next to the evil dirty doll from Jessica. A little part of us wanted sweetiepants Terry to be right, but there’s no going back after this.

Let’s start with the good stuff. Eric lends words to the scent of a fairy (it’s like honey, wheat, and sunshine), while a confused Sookie attempts to drive away. Eric pursues her but is easily subdued into niceties, remembering who – but not what – he is. His Cheshire grin wins Sookie over, and she takes him to her/his house. Sookie washes the vamp’s feet like he’s Jesus. Eric giggles like a ticklish little girl. It might just be his most endearing moment to date – but it gets a run for its money by his embarrassment when his fangs pop out and his calling Sookie Snooki. Pam comes to help her maker, but when she gets short with Sookie, Eric’s nonchalantly tosses his protégé across the room, admonishing Pam to “be nice” to the half fae.

Arguably the only one with good sense, Pam sees through Bill’s plan to set Eric up and asks Sookie to harbor him. Not thrilled with the task, Sookie turns to hunky Alcide for help. But when Sookie shows up at the werewolf’s house, she finds dear ol’ Debbie, who’s cleaned up and found her way back into the Herveaux wolf den. Somehow, she seems creepier off the sauce. Bangs and Vienna sausage aren’t enough to clear the air, and Sookie’s on her own with her dim-witted vamp.

Sincere and baby faced as this new Eric is, he’s more akin to a circus tiger than a domesticated cat – sweet and cute but with an insatiable carnal nature. Case in point: A ferocious feeding on poor Claudine. As readers of the books (Sookie is a fan as well), we’re perplexed by the move. Perhaps Fairyland just didn’t translate to the tube.

Meanwhile, the witches try to make sense of possibly Aryan Eric’s attack while bemoaning their freedom of religion. It does not cross their indignant New Age little minds that raising the dead is a possibility. Lafayette is scared shitless, having experienced the sheriff’s wrath firsthand, and goes to ask his forgiveness. He finds Pam instead. She isn’t exactly pleased with his tale and throws him in the Fangtasia dungeon. Tara (who still lingers, to our dismay) and Jesus come to the rescue, swearing to Pam they will reverse the spell in 24 hours – or else.

Though we thought it wasn’t possible, the werepanthers got more nauseating this episode. Round the fire, while chomping on squirrels, they retell their myth: A panther eats Ghost Mama and Ghost Daddy and then pukes them up. Rather fitting, huh? Crystal gets sexy with the nearly changed, Mexican Viagra-drugged Jason (apparently the new Ghost Daddy) while the rest of the Hot Shot ladies looks on. Perhaps they are all waiting their turns.

Jessica’s feeling guilty after drinking from another man and runs to Papa Bill for some sage advice. (We admit this country club-looking version of him is sort of hot.) But when she comes clean, Hoyt’s flare of anger proves too much to bear. She takes a cheap shot and glamours that puppy dog look right back onto his face. The creepy baby doll they have thrown away several times keeps finding its way home. (Sidenote: Why is Hoyt quasicuddling with it while watching TV?) Being the weasley one she is, Jessica gives it to Arlene’s even creepier baby. It’s fitting, but we have to ask why Arlene lets that filthy thing near the kid. She’s never been one to be polite on principle.

Dolls were apparently a motif in this episode, with Mrs. Fortenberry ordering a Marie Osmond Halloween dolly while Tommy hatches a plan to fleece the curler-wearing busybody.

On a final note, that tank hoodie did Eric no favors. We sure hope his wardrobe returns faster than his memory.

Photo: Courtesy of HBO