True Blood Recap: Shot Through a Few Hearts
We finally caught our breath. Now let’s discuss.
Out on Lafayette’s tiki porch — because who else would have a tiki porch — Jesus pours out apologies to his boyfriend, not knowing that Marnie hides behind those baby browns. Eggs over easy turns into a fork in the hand, and Jesus realizes his novio ain’t his novio.
Across town, Sookie feels Gran’s presence (we miss her too, girl). She and Tara have a rare moment of camaraderie, and the half-fairy fantasizes about sitting on the porch with her grandbabies. Word of advice: Start cavorting with a man who can actually reproduce. Alcide’s on board with our suggestion and offers Sookie (whose low bun is a mature upgrade for her) his love in a passionless argument. We would still have said yes. Just look at him. But alas, his phone rings. (And we’ll pat ourselves on the back: We knew exactly what the call was about.)
Sam mourns Tommy in the cemetery, but the only one beating her breast is Mrs. Fortenberry, whose hopping from surrogate son to surrogate son trying to replace her derelict Hoyt with a promise of pork rind casserole. Luna seems to have moved past Sam being involved in the killing of Emma’s dad, consoling her shifter and smooching her depressed man aplenty. Pam’s not feeling so hot either, having lost her maker to Sookie and “her precious fairy vagina and her stupid name.” Thank goodness pleather-clad Ginger is there to hug it all away.
The other Stackhouse sibling still suffers from a case of the losers and comes clean with Hoyt. After small talk about the “moist” day, he confesses his sins. Confronted with the ultimate break of the bro code, all the puppy-eyed best bud can mutter is “How?” which leads Jason to spew a list of positions. Bless his simple heart. Hoyt isn’t quite as charmed, slugging him twice and adding a kick and an insult for good measure. Bleeding and broken, Jason drags his sorry ass home to nurse his pride. Holding a cherry ice pop to his head, he answers his door to find a red cloaked, lingerie-clad Jessica, who’s become the finest looking lady in Bon Temps. What follows is perhaps the most gratuitous sex scene of the season, which we were not only not mad about but may have rewound for round two. After her departure, naked Jason gets a knock at the door and finds Revered Newlin-turned-vamp standing on the other side of it. Well played, Alan Ball.
Back at the Reynolds house, Jesus is taped to a chair, and Marnie via Lafayette (who mastered her s’s and f’s) expresses her intention to drain him dry. That witch needs to get her priorities straight. Hates the vampires but takes blood? She toys with Lafayette’s bod, leading Jesus to surrender his Mexican mask face (apparently it is like a Pokemon card), which serves only to get him a knife to the gut. Tara stumbles in on the aftermath and rushes to recruit Sookie and Holley — with her witch survival kit of salt, sage, and a lock of hair — to save the day. They rush to the Compton house, where Marnie/Lafayette has secured the vamps atop a stake. How in the hell she/he overpowered them, we aren’t sure. But a combo of fairy light saber, salt, incantations, and Gran does the trick, and a whining Marnie gets sent to the spiritual world.
Over at Merlotte’s, Halloween festivities continue. Arlene’s daughter dresses up as Janelle from Teen Mom — completely unrelated to the plot but so fantastic it must be mentioned. The ubiquitous guest star, Scott Foley, shows up as Terry’s old buddy, and something is already off. The ghost of Rene confirms our suspicions, though a serial killer’s warning about Terry becoming bad news may not be the most reliable intel.
Charred Bill and Eric — both clad in Hefner-style striped robes — feed from Sookie, who should really be advised of the risk of anemia. For a hot second, it seems her threesome dream is about to become a disturbing reality, but instead tears and choosing neither ensues. Ho hum. (Though major props if this means Quinn is on his way. Readers of the books, you know what we mean.)
The fangers don’t nurse their wounded pride for long; a renegade Nan shows up with her “gay storm troopers” looking for support. Instead, her guards lose their heads and she gets wood to the heart. We’re digging the frenemy king/sheriff team, which better gear up because our suspicions were correct: Edgington is back a lot sooner than they imagined.
After a long day of magical debacles, Sookie heads home where Debbie emerges with a shotgun from the shadows. The shewolf aims and fires just as Tara lunges to save her pal, losing half her skull in the process. Again, why Sookie didn’t use her flashy hand trick in the first place is confusing, but nevertheless, she scoops up the gun and offs Debbie with pleasure. As for her friend, Tara looked deader than a doorknob to us, but if she becomes a vamp, we might come around to liking her.
Now excuse us as we dream of Alcide until next summer.
(Photo: Courtesy of HBO)